A non-aerobic exercise in futility

Tuesday, May 27, 2003

Guess who's back...

Hahaha man I'm addicted to the ellipses.

Anyway, had a mini-rant session tonight and I feel quite a bit better for it. Time will tell if it sticks, though.

In the meantime I have a full day at the bank Weds, followed by a trip home Thurs which is always fun and entertaining. For those of you expecting blog-fireworks tonight, sorry to disappoint.

posted by Matt 11:56 PM

Monday, May 26, 2003

So much for the everyday updates...

Yeah, I know I missed a few days last week. Hopefully that won't happen again. I'm attempting to show a little more control of my emotions... one of the best ways I can currently think of to do that is to avoid situations that will stress me out. If it all goes as planned I'm going to take a few days to just kinda chill out and "step outside" myself; figure out where my head's at and where I need to have it. Maybe this'll result in some interesting writing both on here and in my own little world. Maybe not. Either way, I know that I've been kind of heading down a bad path the last couple weeks. I guess it's time to kinda look in the mirror and re-evaluate some things. Whether I can actually make any sort of changes... well, stay tuned.

posted by Matt 10:34 PM

Sunday, May 25, 2003

Big batch of whatever

I hate the world. I hate my emotions. I hate myself. Going into any more detail would be specfically damning, although this post already is just by its tone. I just want to sleep right now.

posted by Matt 1:34 AM

Wednesday, May 21, 2003

I'm not even supposed to be here today!

After work today I stopped off for a fresh jug of vodka, then a half-gallon of Sunny Delight at the Uni-Mart. Here is a rough transcription of the conversation after the transaction.

Clerk 1: How come nobody drinks Tang anymore?
Clerk 2: *shrug*
C1: It was good enough for the astronauts, right?
Me: Well, there's no real space program right now. Once we land on Mars, Tang will be back.
C2: Good point, man.

Maybe my life's calling is to be a smart-ass convenience store clerk.

posted by Matt 5:35 PM

Monday, May 19, 2003

A week filling in

Yep, I'm filling in at another branch of the bank this week. And man, is it weird. The computer system is all different, the counters are all awkward and stuff, and the head teller is apparently an idiot. She couldn't figure out how to disarm the motion sensor this morning, so were 20 minutes later than usual getting in. This proved to be a problem since they had about seventy or so night deposit bags to process today. Also this is a branch where the tellers are in charge of opening accounts for new customers, which I'm not trained in. All in all this will be a very interesting week but at least I'll get a solid 40 hours.

posted by Matt 11:23 PM

A weekend come and gone

Apparently blogger.com is doing something weird with their software, so I'll just have to cope. My tunes to sleep to to tonight will be Pearl Jam's concert at State College, PA. That's about it. I spent like six hours playing Xenosaga today. I gotsta go to work at another branch of the bank tomorrow, that should be interesting. Later, all.

posted by Matt 12:17 AM

Sunday, May 18, 2003

Wooooo, weekend

I'd love to get excited over this weekend, but I'm drunk and bored and not doing anything fun with people. I spent this afternoon basically just putzing around online while watching TV (or vice-versa) and tomorrow should be more of the same. And yeah, can't forget the drinkin'. Lord-a-mercy, can't forget that. I'm going to pass out on my couch while watching a Simpsons VHS tape. When I wake, it'll be a ton of PS2 stuff interwoven with re-heated pizza and a full hour of THE SIMPSONS~~~~~~~~. Maybe life isn't so bad. Or, like, you know, whatever.

posted by Matt 1:35 AM

Friday, May 16, 2003

A boring day, a boring life

Not much today. Another day workin' and making money. Tomorrow I get to wake up EARLY for breakfast with co-workers before the half-day at work. Lousy "open on Saturdays" bank branch. Bleah. At least I'll get a good meal out of it.

posted by Matt 11:21 PM

Not much

Well, I'm to the point that I feared... I do nothing but work then come home and chat and drink. Such is life. Hopefully I can horrify my friend's little cousin when he comes to town to tour the Pitt campus. The plan is that my friend and I are going to scare the shit out of this little townie bitch-boy and his ultra-Christian GF when they come to see what the Pitt campus is like. I plan to have 10 oz of booze in me just when they come to pick me up. Good times.

posted by Matt 12:03 AM

Thursday, May 15, 2003

Not much happening

Well, we're finally to the point where I start exhibiting the depth of the rut I'm in until I move. Go to work, go home, drink and chat, go to bed. Lather, rinse, repeat. Hopefully something horrifying will happen to me this weekend that I can write about. Or maybe I can horrify someone else... that'd work too.

posted by Matt 10:54 PM

Wednesday, May 14, 2003

Well....

Last night was apparently my first true "black out". I posted here and didn't remember it, and apparently I made a phone call I have no recollection of. How exciting! Anyway, I'm going to bed semi-lucid tonight and playing a TON of Xenosaga tomorrow. Have fun, all.

posted by Matt 12:48 AM

Tuesday, May 13, 2003

Buried Treasures

While I was home over Sat. night and Mothers' Day, I found a small container of audiotapes and old love notes. Nothing much there... mostly just copies of a couple things I didn't want to wear out the originals of. But I did find about 50 minutes of "footage" from my old campus radio show back in the day. It'd been at least six years since I'd heard it, and at first I didn't recognize my own voice. But there it was, clear as day. Along with that I found a few other tapes I'd made and love letters that others had sent me from years ago, and even a halting, piece-meal sort of diary I had going even before the audio stuff. Not for the first time, it came to me that I was "emo" before such a thing was cool and acceptable. Angsty teens writing about love and committment and heartbreak... it's probably the one thing I HAVEN'T grown out of since I was 17, 'lo these many years ago. And it's why I'm doing this little thing right now. I just can't ever let go of stuff, it seems. Someone once accused me of being a "martyr", and maybe it's a little bit true. I like to put myself on my own emotional crucifix sometimes, to display my suffering to everyone else. "Hey world, look at me! I've been screwed over by you all my whole life, grieve with me! Sympathize with me!" That's what I want to scream out sometimes, but I know it's nobody's fault but mine. It's almost a delicous situation to see if you're not close to it... kinda like driving at 60 mph past a semi-lunatic screaming at someone else's 4th-story window. The kind of thing you might be inspired to write a short, conjecture-laced story about, except I'm the one living it.

posted by Matt 12:37 AM

Monday, May 12, 2003

Weekend back home

It wasn't really as bad as I expected. I got to hang out with my sister for a while and get caught up with what she's doing. The parents were remarkably low-key, I got free food... everybody plays, everybody wins.

Sunday I purchased High Heat '04 for my PS2, only to find that it didn't work. Then I remembered that about four other people had complained about a similar problem. I took it back to today and exchanged it for Xenosaga. That means I'll pretty much qualify as a "missing person" except for when I have to back to work starting tomorrow.

While I was home I found a few "buried treasures"... I'll talk about those tonight.

posted by Matt 1:13 PM

Saturday, May 10, 2003

Waking up late

Haha, wow. Last night was... something. I've been really tensed up lately, but I can't put my finger on why. It's not really because of anyone else, it's something that's totally internal. Hopefully going home for the weekend will be enough to distract me from myself. I think part of my problem is that I tend to either just go to work or hang out in my apartment all day and night so I tend to just overanalyze myself and everything else about me. Well, time to eat lunch then drive home for the weekend. I'll catch y'all Sunday.

posted by Matt 12:51 PM

Another late night

Yep, another late night. And I'm not in the best mood ever. I'm pissed off because I didn't hit the lottery. I'm pissed off because I'm moving 1000 miles in a little over two months and don't quite know what to expect. I'm angry because I'm honestly scared. I have no idea what's going to happen to me in the next few months, and that bothers me. I'm about the most chaotic, unorganized person on earth... except that I like to know what emotions to expect. And when that doesn't happen, I get scared and angry. I'm just going to have to suck it up, roll the dice and see what happens. I don't have much choice now.

posted by Matt 3:38 AM

Friday, May 09, 2003

Trip to the store

I just got back from the local convenience store to make my usual semi-weekly purchase; three dollars worth of Super Six lotto tickets and a two-liter of pop (today's selection: dnL. It's not quite Surge, but the closest thing to it I can find). The guy in front of me at the lottery line had just finished placing his ticket order, so I got to wait ten minutes while his three-inch thick stack of tickets printed out. I have no idea how much money he actually put down on it and I'm not sure I want to know. I feel bad enough just dropping three dollars on the big drawing once or twice a week. If I had $50 or $100 a week to burn on the lottery, I wouldn't need to play it.

posted by Matt 3:59 PM

Another drunken night

I'd really like to be able to give everyone something profound tonight on ye olde blog, but it's not gonna happen. I didn't even eat lunch at the Chinese buffet, so I don't have a fortune cookie to share with you. But I guess I have this... I'm realizing how much I tend to undervalue my friends. They call me when I'm down, they chat with me on AIM, and they generally make my hours that I'm not busy working a better place to be. Just knowing that someone's available for me to bitch to, rant to, and listen to makes my life much more bearable. I admit that just being able to LISTEN to someone is about the most calming thing in my life. I'm far better at listening than talking... part of the reason for this blog is so I can get used to expressing myself. Hey, maybe I'll have some major breakthrough some night while on a rum bender at 3am and be able to put it up here for the whole world to see... wouldn't that be grand? Viva la internet!

Nothing much else to say tonight... I'm still waiting for a big-ass storm to roll through. If I'm stuck without power for over 24 hours like last summer, I'm sure I'll complain. But right now the weather and my emotional state are both calling for a little bit of a release. It's like I can SENSE the atmosphere waiting to just discharge and kill the tension of the last week. If I can just see and hear the storm cutting loose, it'll be a major release for me. I honestly can't wait until I move to Florida and experience those quick, violent rainstorms that are the norm there. A good, hard rain is a cleansing experience to me, and I'm not sure why. Like I said before, maybe it's just the resolution to hours and days of tension, and a good opportunity to look at the world through fresh eyes the next morning.

Well, I've got my supplies except that I need more pop for tomorrow night's drinkin'. That's easily solved. I'll catch everyone tomorrow at some point.

posted by Matt 1:56 AM

Thursday, May 08, 2003

Long weekend

I don't work again until Tuesday, so I'm going to actually concentrate on putting some stuff on here for the next few days. Oh, and drinking. Definitely drinking. More to come tonight.

posted by Matt 5:10 PM

Wednesday, May 07, 2003

So I lied about the color

Yeah. It's gonna take like a week until I'm comfortable with how this looks, and it'll still probably suck. But it'll be a level of suck I can live with.

Went to the almighty Wal-Mart today to stock up on food... I was down to leftover pizza, some English muffins and cheese slices from last century so I figured it was time. Nothing eventful happened, which is good. I'd hate to have to come home and write about some weird experience at Wal-Mart, because I'm sure it wouldn't be "funny" weird; more like "disturbing" weird. Although the last time I went I did see a mouse dart across the frozen food aisle, at which point an absurdly chatty stock-boy who had followed me around for about six aisles said "Whoa, lookit him go!" I just kinda stood there, paused a moment, then nodded. Yes, "lookit him go" indeed.

It rained a little today, but it wasn't the big huge thunderstorm everyone had been calling for all week. I'm disappointed. I love a good thunderstorm to break a hot spell. It's neat to just stand there, watch the sky get dark and feel the wind kick up. When the first flash hits it usually scares the hell out of me, but it's a good kind of thrill. It's not quite the same here in Pittsburgh as it would be back home. Too many buildings in the way, not enough open sky to really enjoy the show. Maybe over the weekend when I go home, I'll get to enjoy one.

posted by Matt 9:03 PM

A little more like home

I think I may have found a color scheme that doesn't make me want to claw my eyes out in sheer terror (your mileage may vary), so let's call this the grand opening.

Don't expect anything profound or mind-blowing to come from this site; I live a pretty mundane life. What I really need to do is find a way to get my backspace and delete keys to send an electric shock to me everytime I touch them so I don't write down a paragraph, decide it sucks then just wipe it out. You know, like I've done about five times so far.

So what's gonna be here? Your guess is as good as mine. I may get political or poetic, contemplative or condescending, lyrical or lethargic. That's what's going to be fun about this little project... I have no idea what's gonna come from it. Hmmm, I should find a way to get a feedback link going too. That'd be a good thing.

Edit to add: Well, that was easy. The feedback forum is up and running. Check it out.

posted by Matt 2:01 PM

Well, here we go. Welcome to what may be another short-lived effort for me to put something on the web for my own amusement. More to come!

posted by Matt 12:25 PM